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The Secret of Friendships that Last

What makes people become friends? And why do some friendships last and others do not?

   An article in  the site Psychology Today gathered some studies that bring good explanations about the topic.

The well practical, main points are listed below:

Conditions to start a friendship

    Besides some basic factors, such as having contact with a person on a regular basis (after all, we have more chances to know someone better and further develop our bond) and having some common interests, these two aspects are important for becoming friends with someone.

1. Willingness to open up  

    According to Beverley Fehr, a researcher at the University of Winnipeg and author of "Friendship Processes" what determines that we move from acquaintances to friends is the willingness to open up and reveal more personal things to each other – and this needs to come from both sides. 

"In the early stages of friendship, this tends to be a gradual process. A person accepts the risk of revealing personal information and 'tests' if the other does the same "she says.

Here, reciprocity is essential for it to work, because it leads to another important condition:

2. Intimacy

According to Fehr's research, people with good friendships involving the same sex have a good understanding of what intimacy involves:

     They know how to open up and express their emotions, know what to say when the friend tells you something and respect the limits - understand, for example, sincerity does not mean talking all that comes to mind, especially with regard to opinions on life and tastes.

Especially because other conditions were pointed out: Acceptance, loyalty and trust. These qualities were considered more important than practical aids such as lending money.

Then, Why do some friendships last and others do not?

Ok, we understand what gives the friendships that initial kick forward. But there is another important factor, discovered by social psychologists Carolyn Weisz and Lisa F. Wood, from University of Puget Sound, in Tacoma, Washington, which is essential to make relationships last:

...The support to our social identity.

   In other words, looking for friends who understand and validate the idea that we have about ourselves and about our role in society or group to which we belong – which can be linked to religion, ethnicity, profession or even participating in some club or subculture.

    To reach this conclusion, they followed a group of college students for years throughout their graduation, asking them to describe levels of proximity, contact, general support and support for social identity that felt about friends.

The conclusion was that all these factors helped to predict whether the friendship would be maintained or not.

     But a single factor can predict who would be elevated to the position of BEST FRIEND: the person in these cases was part of the same group (fraternity, team, etc.) or at least supported and reaffirmed the role of the friend within that group. 

       

    A Christian could have a best friend as someone who had different beliefs, as long as this friend would support his identity as a Christian. And, as we have various roles in life, it is more likely that our best friend is on the role that is most important to us, that best represents our identity or part of it.

Why do we chose friends?

     According to the study, it is related to higher levels of intimacy and understanding also involving increased self-esteem.

This sense of identity even influences the behavior of drug addicts. In another study Weisz concluded that people were more likely to get rid of their addictions after three months when they felt that their social roles and sense of identity conflicted with drug use.

"Our social identities are so important to us that we are willing to stay with people who support our social identity and getting away from those who do not. We can even change friends when the former did not support our current view of ourselves ", states an article of Psychology Today. "Conventional wisdom says that we choose friends because of who they are. But it turns out we really love them because of how they support who we are."

How to maintain a friendship

   According to Debra Oswald, a psychologist at Marquette University (Wisconsin, USA), who studied the relationship between volunteers who were in high school and their best friends, there are four basic behaviors needed to maintain this "link" – that are valid to everyone, no matter if you have 15 or 70 years.

   The first two points are fairly explored so far: take the initiative to open up and supporting our friends. The third point is INTERACTION. No matter if your friend is your neighbor or is living on another continent: you need to be in contact with him, either writing, chatting on the phone, visiting. Fortunately, with the internet, physical proximity has little effect on our ability to maintain a friendship or any type of relationship.

    Finally, it is important to be positive. We need to open ourselves to our friends, but that does not mean it's okay to stay whimpering for hours and only see the negative side of everything.

     Of course, part of being a friend is to help during the hassles of our friend's life but, in the end, the intimacy that makes a friendship thrive must be something nice and do good for both sides.

   I really enjoyed writing his article because it really made me understand why I have lost some great friendships, because some of this conditions were not worked enough by me, or by the people who no longer are important to me as friends.

But not everything is lost, some friends are worth it and some friendships can be repaired.

Comment bellow!    

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FIVE IMPORTANT LESSONS ABOUT PRODUCTIVITY

    After graduating from college in May last year, the Canadian Chris Bailey received two great full-time job offers, but refused them.

    He had a plan and accepting any of these proposals would keep him from putting it into practice.

     During 12 months, Bailey and tested read everything he could find on the subject of productivity, sharing his findings on the site that bears the name of the project: A Year of Productivity.

    His goal was to become as productive as possible - and help people to benefit from his discoveries.

    The experiment earned 197 articles during this period, but he published a summary of the most important lessons learned. Here are five of them:

1 - Learn to choose well your tasks in every area of life

     We may have countless things to do in different areas of life (work, education, health, mind, finances, relationships, etc.), but you must sort these tasks according to their worth in improving each of these areas.

Most of them will only consume your time and energy and will not bring remarkable results at all.

     On the other hand, there are some who alone can give you a tenfold return. Discover which ones are they and focus on them.

2 - The most effective tips are the most clichés

         How cliché is to say that the most important tactics to be productive are eating well, getting enough sleep and exercising?

     But know that no matter how silly they may seem, they have proved the most efficient for Chris Bailey. "I think behind the clichés there is such a powerful truth that people feel compelled to repeat them so often they end up losing their value," he wrote.

     "But as someone who has tested hundreds of techniques to better manage his time, energy and attention in the last decade [because he has been researching the subject thoroughly before starting the project] I can state that:

nothing has contributed more to my productivity than eating well, sleeping enough and doing physical exercise".

3 - The three main ingredients for productivity are time, energy and focus

      Bailey found that no matter which techniques he used, they would always involve better managing one or more of these three factors:

time, energy and focus.For him, these are the three key ingredients for consistent productivity.

      If you have lots of energy and focus, but not to manage your time well, eventually devoting many hours to the wrong tasks you wont get the best results.

If you are good at managing your time and have a lot of energy, but doesn't have enough focus, you will be distracted and procrastinate.

And if you have focus and know how to manage your time, but do not know how to manage your energy, you can waste it on less important things.

Therefore, it is essential to have these three skills.

4 - Working too hard for too long is bad for your productivity

     Working nights in a row and not stopping even to lunch calmly may give the impression that you are doing a lot, but definitely doesn't make you a more productive person in the long run.

     "In an experiment that lasted a month, I alternated between working 90 hours a week and 20 hours the following week.

Then I discovered that the productivity was equal in both, for a simple reason:

when I limited the time I would spend on a task, I forced myself to devote more energy in less time so that I could complete it quickly.

     When had more time to work, I tended to procrastinate more and work on activities that give me less results (as we mentioned in the first item), and thus lose more time"states Bailey.

5 - Keep in mind that being productive has to do with how much you achieve, not how much you generate 

      Be gentle with yourself. When you are too focused on being more productive, it is common to make the mistake of focusing on numbers: 

how many pages or words he wrote and read, how many hours he worked, how many emails answered, how much money earned...

      The problem is that, according to Bailey, "unless you work in a factory, measuring your productivity based only on how much you produce will give you a limited overview of how productive you really are."For example, writing a text of 100 words that efficiently condenses what would be written in 500 does not mean you produced less - means you produced better.Replying 200 emails might give the impression that your morning was a success, but were these messages more important than any other single task you could have done instead? 

     Here comes again the discussion of the value of the tasks, and how they contribute to make you feel satisfied not only at the end of the day, but in the end of the week, month and year. 

    Furthermore, one must keep in mind why one wants to achieve certain goals and not lose sight of that objectives, or else ones job satisfaction goes away and the productivity will lose its meaning.

      Finally, Bailey added another point, to keep motivated, it is still necessary to be kind to yourself.

Being more productive requires a tremendous effort, but pushing yourself too much is unreasonable.

     You are trying to make positive changes in your life, then it is important to maintain a positive attitude toward yourself.

STAY SUPER!

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Meditation for Children... Why?

-MEDITATION FOR CHILDREN-

  Meditation is currently gaining ground in the work with children. For us adults, this tool is present in practically all philosophies and available therapeutic processes. 

This is due to the simplicity of the act, but also the depth of inner consciousness that it gives us.

________________________________________________________________

   It was recently carried out a study by the University of California, in collaboration with Mindful Schools, which shows the unquestionable benefits of this practice on children's behavior. Points assessed as "paying attention", "the ability to calm down" and "show attention and care for others", have significantly higher levels on children who practice mindfulness, sometimes only after 4 hours.

- Teaching This Practice - 

     Teaching children to practice meditation is a gradual act, ranging from telling stories containing elements of the child's world, to Zen meditation, where the ability to be sitting quietly and concentrating on breathing allows us a deep sense of relaxation and emptying the mind. To understand the benefits and meditation to children themselves, start by thinking about us, adults.

       Firstly, it should be remembered that the positive effects come from a regular practice. It is this regularity and habit that changes the way we respond to everyday situations we live.

     Anyone who has tried or practices meditation knows the transformation that takes place at the level of our inner consciousness. Therefore, and because children are the adults of tomorrow, strengthening this "tool" from an early age is an antidote to the physical and emotional malaise that, in its various forms, affects society.

"Children enjoy the practice and have positive results"

    Quoting The Dalai Lama: "If every 8 year old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation." can be proven by recent data, as mentioned above, shows the benefits in well-being and relating with others. This is because relating with others is a result of the relationship with ourselves, and in a meditation practice for children, the focus is also on the transmission of forms of expression, care and a more conscious and healthy way to relate with others.

 "If every 8 year old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation." - The Dalai Lama

     Children respond to meditation in a very positive way, and naturally appreciate this practice.

    As concentration being the most developed aspect by meditation, the benefits to school performance are also high.

     Using on meditation as a tool, we can work with children at different levels of extreme importance as the development of self-esteem and self-confidence, focus on the positive and happier ways of being and relating, expressing feelings, being more aware of their own emotions, having a greater respect for others, a more assertive communication and less defensive, aggressive, anxious and agitated, among others. A final point is that we can lighten the case of attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity.

What do you think about it? What you think about this practice by children?

Share your opinion in the Comments!

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Help your Child Develop a Healthy and Strong Self-Esteem

Help your Child Develop a Healthy  and Strong Self-Esteem

Self-esteem relates to how each individual perceives himself, his thoughts and feelings and the value one assigns himself.  Self-esteem isn't shaped only by our's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant others around us, undergoing, naturally, changes over time.

  At any age, the way we feel about ourselves affects how we act in our day-to-day. If we think about a stage where we feel very good about ourselves we can also notice that it is easier dealing with our friends, family and problems.

Thus, self-esteem is one of the most important bases for the well being of the child and your key to a happier and positive adulthood.

For parents, there are important tips that help their children develop a sense of self-esteem and positive 

self-image in a way that is Healthy from a balanced and relational point of view.

In fact, most parents do it without really realizing it, through small gestures or words that have a very strong impact on how the child or teen feels about himself.

Here are some tips:

Give independence to your child:

This autonomy will allow him to achieve small successes, alone, worthy of attention, value and proud from those who surround him, and thus strengthening the development of his self-esteem.

Transmit comfort to the image your child has of himself:

The children will learn gradually that someone is able to make things happen, to relate to others, and is someone who deserves value.

Develop a realistic understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of your child:

 It is important that a realistic development of self-esteem by valuing his qualities, but also recognition of flaws, always intent on working the weakest points. Self-confidence is crucial in the development of self-esteem.

Develop a positive approach to your child with regard to rules and discipline:

In fact, all children must take responsibility for their behavior and for that, parents should adopt a positive and regulatory role rather than a disciplinarian and punisher one.

Play with your child:

The moments of play are fundamental for parents to invest in the relationship with their children and make him feel valued, giving importance to his feelings and making him feel accomplished and loved.

Comment bellow!

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